10/23/18 Hello Brandon, Fall is here! My almond tree is dropping all its leaves into my pond. I need to get the new baby fish out of that pond and bring them in the house and the leaves are causing havoc. Yesterday, Monday, I slept through most of the day. It seems like I have tons to process after socializing on Sunday and I sleep long and feel tired the next day. That also makes me feel guilty because I don’t want to be lazy. On lazy days I only do 100 II. It was late last night before I finished. I have a new author! Sharon Lee and her husband Steve live in Maine and they write similar to Lois Bujold. Our library is missing book 2 and 3 of the Theo Waitley series so I ordered old library copies from Better World Books and I will donate them to the WCL afterwards. In the meantime I am reading one from another of their series. These are science fiction and they have created the Liaden Universe where these books take place. Various worlds are involved and of course pilots are the elite! Theo is a 14 year old girl who has no idea her father is a pilot and she is starting to come into her genetics/ gifts/ talents/ abilities. Talk about fun! I tried two other authors but they don’t even come close to Sharon Lee so they will have to wait for later. I find that when I have a good book to read the whole world seems a little happier. My vision changes.
1st book I read. 
Current book.
As you can see they are numerous and popular!
Mark Clayton use to reassure me that a good therapist is considered a treasure. I think a great author is a treasure as well! Amber told me that Mark Clayton has his first 2 articles coming out in the Ensign these next two months. Wouldn’t that be cool! One is called: “When your marriage turns into cold gravy.” or something like that. @@@ one of the things I told you about on Oct. 17 was the joke I made in EQ about small and simple things bringing great things to pass. You may remember that I labeled Alex Gardine as big and complex. Little did I know he would write us an invitation / prospectus about Quarterly Ministering interviews that would be a work of art. Check this out:
Subject:To Alex Gardine by way of his wife. Since you don't have an email posted how are we supposed to contact you?vern jensen <phonev6@gmail.com>\4:07 PM (0 minutes ago)
to Joni\Alex Gardine <noreply@ldschurch.org>\Oct 17, 2018, 4:12 PM (4 days ago)\to me\Dear Brethren –\It is with great hope and optimism that I send you this message today. I pray that it finds you well and that your family is blessed today. My heart is full, and I feel the subtle but guiding hand of the Holy Ghost in making my 1st steps in doing the Lord’s work in our Elders Quorum. I have no doubt that the Lord will grant all of us His Spirit to accomplish what President Nelson described as a “newer, holier approach to caring for and ministering to others.” \To me, it feels like the Lord is giving us all an opportunity to grow as Disciples of Christ. I certainly feel this way as we move toward an approach of gospel-based, heartfelt care for one another. \As you know, I am tasked with conducting Ministering Interviews. You can imagine my apprehension as I have never before done a Ministering Interview. I expect as we get to know one another, we will become comfortable in the manner, type, and frequency of the Ministering Interviews as it pertains to those in our stewardship. Certainly there is not a one-size-fits-all to these communications and I suppose we will all learn as we go. I see it as a blessing that I have no preconceived notions about how these discussions will go. I pray only that they do go, and that they are acceptable to the Lord and bring our fellow saints closer to Christ. \My commitment to you is that I will say a prayer before each communication and that I will carry a prayer in my heart that seeks the Lord’s interest in our ward’s families. I also commit that I will be available to you to assist you in your priesthood duties. I am often working from my home and will try move things around to meet a need that comes up. Finally, I commit that we will make substance of our Ministering Interviews a matter of thought & prayer in our Elders Quorum Presidency. I have been touched by the love that these good men have for all of us and expect it will only grow. \I invite you if you have not already, to make those in your stewardship a matter of prayer.\With love and respect,\Alex D. Gardine\~~~~~\Alex,\Wow can you write! Beautiful.\I am impressed with your commitments.
1 - I will say a prayer before each communication
2- I will carry a prayer in my heart that seeks the Lord’s interest in our ward’s families.
3- I will be available to you to assist you in your priesthood duties.
4- I commit that we will make substance of our Ministering Interviews a matter of thought & prayer in our Elders Quorum Presidency.\
I will be so excited to have my first ministering or home teaching interview in 6+ years. Can you believe that? I know Frank Haney tried to get the EQ off its butt and interviewing or calling. He did not succeed.\
Bonus/ optional:\As you can imagine I have had the privilege of serving in 5 or 10 EQ presidencies and two bishoprics as a membership clerk or ward clerk. I was like you. I felt my responsibility keenly! It felt like a constant burden. Some of the EQ presidents I have had didn't care or couldn't care about home teaching. Hence: MINISTERING @@@ So Brandon, you could probably tell that I found a way to respond to his email by way of his wife. :) Since I told her the joke about big and complex/ small and simple she will probably be happy to pass the email along to her husband. @@@ One of the missionary sisters said, “Don’t dull your personality just because you want to be a good example and/or good missionary for the church.” in the closing talk in sacrament meeting Sunday. That sentence spoke to me. My personality is a bit strong and overpowering at times. @ As I prayed Sunday after looking at the new baby fish in the 55 gal tank at the foot of my bed and the two pictures I have of Jesus holding little children and holding his hand out to us in one of them, I realized that if we are to be as little children I can do that, I think. That simplifies everything! I love being a little child. I love having fun and trusting and loving and being obedient. It is the complexities of life that get me down. @ I had two memorable dreams this morning. In one I got to meet Pres RMNelson two different times. That one was pleasant. In the other I was a student taking a hard math class in college and I had lost my book and couldn’t do my homework nor get help. That one was awful. In my current novel: Mouse and Dragon, Aelliana Caylon has escaped her abusive family., and she is famous for creating a new mathematical table that will save dozens of pilots lives. She is really good at math. Perhaps that stimulated my limiting out in math experience back in college. I got in way over my head and couldn’t understand advanced derivatives and extrapolations. 10/31 halloween, The day is done! I sat out front in the hammock and passed out candy. When it got slower I took Molly on her walk. Hello Brandon, Jesse Bird was asked to sub for our gospel doctrine class at 10am Sunday morning. That’s the same time choir practice starts! Short notice! He did a fantastic job. I have loved him from the start. He quoted all of Chapter 53 of Isaiah and asked if there was anything we keyed in on. A phrase in this verse made me stop and think:3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. I asked myself, why would we hide our faces? So here it is Wednesday night and I am still thinking about it. What do you think? Look at the whole chapter if you want more background. Chapter 53 Isaiah speaks about the Messiah—His humiliation and sufferings are described—He makes His soul an offering for sin and makes intercession for the transgressors—Compare Mosiah 14. Would you believe Abinadi quotes this chapter to King Noah and Alma and the other priests? Jesse asked us to contrast hiding our faces with verse 12 12 Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death; and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bore the sins of many, and made intercession for the transgressors. Pt We are all transgressors Brandon. @ When Jesse asked what this meant: Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; I raised my hand and he had to call on me again! “In my father’s house are many mansions, I go there to prepare a place for you.” Was my brief answer. He seemed satisfied and moved on to the next point. I felt touched by those scriptures Brandon. I used to feel embarrassed that we had Isaiah chapters in the BoM. Now I see that it is unity. It is the same scriptures that even Jesus loved. Isaiah, Nephi, Abinadi, Jesus, they all loved the ideas in these chapters. Someday I will internalize those chapters. @ The two reasons I could think of for turning our faces away are 1- We are ashamed of what was done to torture and crucify Jesus Christ, 2- We would hide our sins from him. @ How would you like it if you heard the same voice Enos heard? 5 And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed.
6 And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away.
7 And I said: Lord, how is it done?
8 And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole. I am listening to GC Oct’79. Enos thy sins are forgiven thee, are spoken various times and one of those times they sank in. This is a loving Saviour who reaches out and forgives our sins. Not just once but over and over again as we desire. Magic. Miraculous. Is there any greater miracle? I love real magic. I love real miracles.@@@Guess who published in October’s Ensign? Brandon, my therapist, Mark Clayton!!
Don’t Be a Cold-Gravy Spouse
By Mark Clayton
The author lives in Utah, USA.
My relationship with my wife had gone cold. But together we renewed our marriage.
Illustrations by Alberto Ruggieri“I still love you, but I am not in love with you anymore,” my wife told me.
As a professional marriage counselor, I knew this was serious. When I hear a client say this to a spouse, it usually means, “I want a divorce.”\We were driving home from the Las Vegas Nevada Temple. Ironically, we had just witnessed a young couple get sealed for eternity. I had asked my wife to drive so I could work on the Gospel Doctrine lesson I would teach the next day. My wife was willing to drive, but after nearly two hours of silence while I worked, she wasn’t feeling very close to me.\That had recently been our pattern. I hadn’t been a very good husband lately because I was so caught up in doing “more important” things. Once she made her announcement, however, I finally understood what was truly important and what was not.\A Marriage Gone Stale\President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) once said, “Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy.”1\Simply put, I had become a “cold gravy” husband. Fortunately, my wife was not telling me she wanted a divorce. She was telling me she wanted a good husband.\I asked her what I could do to be better. She gave me a list that included things like cleaning out the storage shed, being more aware of finances, and knowing the details of our kids’ schedules. Sadly, none of it was new to me.\I knew I had to reevaluate my priorities to put my marriage at the top. I started working on the list right away. I cleaned the shed, began regular budget meetings with my wife, and put my kids’ schedules into my cell phone calendar. My wife also worked harder to feel in love with me again. We increased the consistency of date nights and of prayers as a couple and spent more quality time together. Ultimately, we were able to renew our marriage.\In contrast to our story, I often see unhappy endings when marriages grow stale. I saw it many times as a bishop. Some couples just aren’t willing to put in the work required to renew their marriage. And there are those who might ask, “Is that so wrong? Can’t we go on living the gospel and being a good person and let our marriages be what they are?”\The family proclamation states, “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other. … [They] will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”2\That is a sobering perspective. Our marriages are important to God, and we are expected to do everything we can to keep them alive and strong.\That being said, we cannot have complete control over a relationship that involves someone else’s agency. In cases of abuse, leaving a marriage may be the only option. I have the utmost empathy for people in these heart-wrenching situations. We can find peace in the promise that “faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities.”3\Beautiful,Sweet, and Growing\President Kimball had this counsel for cold-gravy spouses: “These people will do well to reevaluate, to renew their courting, to express their affection, to acknowledge kindnesses, and to increase their consideration so their marriage again can become beautiful, sweet, and growing.”4\So how can we do this? Here are some suggestions based on my experiences as a husband, marriage counselor, and bishop.\1. Admit your marriage could use some work.\While serving as a member of the Presidency of the Seventy, Elder Joe J. Christensen said, “Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them.”5\Everyone has marriage and family problems. We risk becoming cold-gravy spouses if we do not admit our marriages could always use some work.\2. Have heart-to-heart talks about problems.\
How lucky I am that my wife was willing to talk about it! If she had let her hard feelings grow, our marriage might have come to an unhappy ending.\Church leaders often emphasize good communication in marriage. For example, President Russell M. Nelson said: “Communicate well with your spouse. … Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other.”6 In Gospel Topics we read, “Couples can strengthen their marriage as they take time to talk together and to listen to one another, to be thoughtful and respectful, and to express tender feelings and affection often.”7\Tender implies discussing matters at the level of our feelings—having heart-to-heart talks. Contention or arguing is of the devil (see 3 Nephi 11:29; Doctrine and Covenants 10:63). It is an attempt to prove yourself right and your partner wrong. On the other hand, conflict resolution is of God, and it requires humility and vulnerability.\3. Channel your anger away from your spouse by taking a time-out.\Time-outs are necessary to keep hard feelings from building up. Elder Christensen taught: “When differences do arise, … there are instances when it is best to take a time-out. Biting your tongue and counting to ten or even a hundred is important. And occasionally, even letting the sun go down on your wrath can help bring you back to the problem in the morning more rested, calm, and with a better chance for resolution.”8\4. Validate your spouse’s feelings so your spouse knows that you are really listening and that you really care.
One Latter-day Saint marriage and family counselor said:\“Almost every relationship will thrive if there is a healthy dose of validation.\“Validation begins with paying attention to what your spouse is saying. … By verbally acknowledging your spouse’s emotions, fears, thoughts, or concerns, you are communicating validation and conveying appreciation, love, and respect.”9\My wife had been asking me to clean out the shed for a while because she was worried about mice and spiders. To me, mice and spiders belong outside, and since the shed is outside, I wasn’t worried about it. But after our talk, I realized that I had not validated her feelings or taken her emotional concern to heart. I promptly cleaned out the shed to show my wife that what is important to her is important to me.\In my counseling practice, I have boiled down communication skills to what I see as the three crucial skills described above: heart-to-heart talks, time-outs, and validation (recognizing, of course, that other professional counselors may emphasize communication skills differently). While I teach only three basic skills, I find it takes most of our therapy time to help couples apply them (no, it is not as easy as it seems). Once couples are able to apply these three key skills, they usually feel much better in their marriages.\The Music of Marriage\To improve our marriages, we each need to tune in to the emotional reality beneath the behavioral surface.\Elder Wilford W. Andersen of the Seventy described a similar idea when he counseled us to strive to hear the music of the gospel instead of just dancing the steps. “We learn the dance steps with our minds, but we hear the music with our hearts,” he explained. “The dance steps of the gospel are the things we do; the music of the gospel is the joyful spiritual feeling that comes from the Holy Ghost. It brings a change of heart and is the source of all righteous desires. The dance steps require discipline, but the joy of the dance will be experienced only when we come to hear the music.”10\Can we hear the music in our marriages, or are we trying to dance without a tune? Feeling the music requires soft hearts. Have our feelings become hardened and distant, or are our hearts soft? Do we feel and express love for our spouses? Do they feel and express love for us?\If we cannot hear the music now, we can work with our spouses until we can. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught, “No matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.”11\I was lucky that my wife had a forgiving heart and was willing to work with me. We were able to renew the music in our marriage. But we still need regular tunings!\My personal and professional experience is that when couples work hard together in humility, their marriages become stronger and happier