a week later. . .

Hey, aren't you done processing yet?

Heaven's no!  I am just coming down from space.  And a 'way spacey' time it has been.

A week ago I dropped off Mareea at the Las Vegas airport. Monday, 4/14, I asked for an hiatus. I told Adrian tonight that I just couldn't go on Monday where Mareea wanted to go. I was not there yet. I withdrew my proposal. I wrote a prayer to HF about her. She did the same about me. I sent her a note tonight telling her the longer I am away from her the more peaceful and happy I feel. Sad but true.

So what went wrong? When did the train derail?  The conclusion I am arriving at is mind boggling: the first morning!  When we went to see Mark Clayton Wednesday night I was already in Limbo! He asked me how I was doing a number of times. I tried processing with Gayelinn by cell both that night and the next morning. I also wrote in my journal to find my homebase, bedrock, foundation.  But it was way gone before that! It flashed out and went up in smoke when Mareea entered my basement room with the mattress on the floor and startled me awake by cozying against me in bed for the next hour in her night clothes!!!!!

No wonder I flashed out!

I was invaded.

I was exposed.

I was vulnerable, asleep.

I was unsafe.

I was violated.

My trust was dashed.

My bounds were breached.

And I just had to sit there and smile and take it.  None of it made any sense to me. What was she doing?  Why was she there? Why didn't she ask?

I put up with it the next morning also, this time in my own bed.

I locked my door the third night. And at 9a when Mareea knocked she expressed how disappointed she was to find I had felt unsafe enough to have to lock my door.  Well, yeah. . . what do you expect? No way I want a woman in my bed, uninvited, in the morning!

I should have seen it coming. Deida, was all about communing with God through sex. I bought and previewed his book at her suggestion.  She has been studying him and facilitating his workshops and sees him as her spiritual guru. Thank heavens I bought that book that warned me of this total weirdness!  I told her then that none of it made sense to me. Sex was for complete honesty and safety and consideration. No gaming for me.  I excused myself by saying maybe advanced people could do it and maybe I could in the future but not yet.  She was way out of my league, way off my planet, way out of my galaxy and universe!

On our ride back to Saint George I said I had realized one area of experimental sex that was out of bounds for me. She didn't think there were any for her. When I spoke of feces and smell and waste she quickly agreed.  That was not what she was alluding to. She was speaking of 69. She doesn't care for pleasuring a man that way because it reminds her of gays but she loves to be pleasured that way. Yikes. She admitted she was very "entitled" as the youngest in the family by far but, woah that felt burdensome to me!  Why all the interest and curiosity about sex in my marriage and sexual hopes and dreams?  On that Monday, 4/14, I told her that to me love was more consideration and patience and loyalty and respect, and time than it was self satisfaction.  She asked if seeking personal satisfaction wasn't an important part of love?  I couldn't go there. Enough for me.  I was maxed out.

Now every man wants an oversexed woman right?  I thought so. But perhaps not after all!!!

Surprise.

So, why didn't I notice when I disociated that first morning?  I suspect that it was so shocking and unexpected, and I did not want to reject her nor hurt her feelings after all this long time of talking and visiting and constructing these wonderful creative dialog exchanges. . . 

that I could not see the tree for the forest.

I was not ready to have to decide!

I have not had an unmarried woman in my home to wake up to and warm my bed!

You mean there might be a reason for putting her up in a motel? 

Oh.
Duh.
Oops.
Missed that one didn't I?

Oh my goodness!  No wonder!!  Aha!!!

That is why. It all finally makes sense!

Of course!

It was a foreign land/ territory wasn't it!      YEP!!

Sorry about that AB.  I so should have known better.  I put myself in the sharks mouth. I put myself in the devil's palm. No wonder I did not recognize the terrain. I had never been there before!!

I am so sorry HF.  That is one more example of one of my strengths becoming my weakness. Economy versus Sobriety

Onward and upward.

Live and learn.

AB