Monday, 5/11/15,10:53 Hello Brandon, I am often filled with doubts and insecurities and wondering who I have offended. Since I am retired things I used to push to a back burner and maybe never get to, I can now relive and ponder and consider. I debated about writing Courtneys a note before church asking them if I have offended them. I was wondering and questioning and thinking if it would be important to do before I took the sacrament. "23Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has ought against you; 24Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Giving my paranoia the benefit of a doubt, I did not follow up on it but you can recognize my frame of mind. @Stake President Gil Almquist was presiding because Jordan Hardman was back from Brazil and speaking. In my lassitude I only put up one of the two sets of numbers at the front for the hymns. The other chart I just left empty. I did the same thing last week but it was just because I forgot. This time I did it on purpose. No one commented either week. @ Gil, came back and made me feel like a million bucks. He shook my hand over the bench in front of me and said, "Everytime I write in my journal brother Jensen, I think of you." He then said, "I have 3 different journals, 1 about my kids and family, 2 about my stake presidency and 3 about my regular daily life. Sometimes when I open one of them I notice it has been a while since I wrote last." I had to relate to him in some way so I said, "I keep two, one on the internet and this one here." @ I felt recognized, accepted, complimented, befriended and valued. People in leadership positions sure have a power to uplift and bless. President Larkin, President Lamb, President Lyman each knew me better and better but none made me feel so valued as President Almquist. He trusts me and I feel it! @ I wrote most of that in my journal already, but this morning as I relived yesterdays meetings and interactions I realized I felt warmed by another interaction. I had 10 or 20 interactions or more but after EQ my characteristically delinquent home teacher stepped over to visit. Jesse Bird did not visit me as my home teacher for the first 2 years. I think he is autistic to some degree. I asked him in a letter I wrote him but he did not respond last year. But brilliant! He speaks softly and he seldom says anything but once in a while in an EQ lesson he has almost burst with a paragraph or two that has eloquently summarized the most important concepts in the lesson and said them so clearly that a feeling cuts through like, "Why are we still dialoging and pondering on this?" I have kept close track of him because he is my home teacher. On the last Sunday of the month he brought his whole family over in their van to drop off 3 freshly homemade donuts from that afternoon. He has 5 little kids and one set of twins. His wife sits on the front row with their caboose, a little girl, after 4 boys in his SS class. His little girl loves him and crawls towards him regularly. His wife gazes at him lovingly and beaming. She helps him wheel in the flat screen TV when needed and they look like they get along fantastically. She has been brief and shy when it has come to bearing testimony etc.. Any way, he stood in front of me at the end of priesthood, holding his little girl and said," I understand you are on a restricted diet. And I brought you homemade doughnuts." I had commented earlier that we were in sparse attendance yesterday, Mother's Day, in fact the whole middle section of his SS class had been empty. And he had added except for the back row! So when he asked about the donuts I said, 1- Since retired 2 years ago the stress had decreased and I have been trying all kinds of things without a reaction, like chocolate and candy. . . 2- And when I receive good stuff I can't eat I pass it along to someone who can and I get to feel good twice, once that I was thought about and considered and gifted and second I get to gift someone else! "That's a good attitude," he responded. Each time he spoke I had to have him repeat because he spoke so soft. Reminds me of my shy 6'2" son Michael'92. Now to you, this might not seem like much but with all the questioning I have done of myself the last 10 days, including my testimony/lesson last Sunday, It felt so accepting and reassuring to me. @ And now the conclusion: When did I recognize the value of Jesse Bird's interaction with me? This morning while listening to conference on my recliner. The blessing of meditating, pondering and reliving! This tender mercy might have been missed if I hadn't been pondering today. I might have picked it up subconsciously, but I can thank HF for it when I Know it consciously. 11:37
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