Tuesday, September 22, 2015

86 yo Elder/ Apostle Richard G Scott passed away today. 12/15 are left!



Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints died Tuesday at 1:45 p.m. MDT from causes incident to age, while surrounded by his family at his home in Salt Lake City. He was 86. @Elder Scott was sustained as an apostle on October 1, 1988. He was called as a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy on April 2, 1977, and served as a member of the presidency of that quorum from October 1983 until he was called as an apostle in 1988. @Elder Scott was able, very successfully, to keep his eye on eternity,” said Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, who served as a young missionary under Elder Richard G. Scott. “His messages were filled with hope. And he was unapologetic about repentance and the Atonement because he knew that that's where hope came from or what one could hope for as a consequence of true, full repentance and the effect of the Atonement, the grace of Jesus Christ, in one's life.” @As with the apostles in New Testament times, Latter-day Saint apostles are called to be special witnesses of Jesus Christ. Elder Scott was one of 15 men who help oversee the growth and development of the global Church, which numbers more than 15 million members. @Elder Scott taught, “There are few things in life that bring as much joy as the joy that comes from assisting another improve his or her life.” @“I don't go anywhere, especially in Latin America, where he served for so long and in so many places — I don't go anywhere there that I don't see his footprints, where I don't meet somebody who hasn't been influenced by him in some way,” Elder Christofferson said. @Richard Gordon Scott was born November 7, 1928, in Pocatello, Idaho, to Kenneth Leroy and Mary Whittle Scott. He served a full-time mission to Uruguay and presided over the Argentina North Mission in Córdoba, Argentina, from 1965 to 1969. @He graduated from George Washington University as a mechanical engineer and completed post-graduate work in nuclear engineering at Oak Ridge, Tennessee. From 1953 to 1965 Elder Scott served on the staff of Admiral Hyman Rickover, directing the development of nuclear fuel for a wide variety of naval and land-based power plants. He also worked as a private consultant for nuclear power companies. @Elder Scott received an honorary doctor of Christian service degree from Brigham Young University in 2008. @Elder Scott was preceded in death by his wife, Jeanene, who passed away on May 15, 1995. He was well known to many members of the Church for the love he expressed for his wife. He is survived by seven children. @“He'll be remembered as a tireless worker, a tireless servant, and a friend of the Lord who wore out his life in the Lord's cause and was happy to do it,” Elder Christofferson said. “I think he'll always be remembered as someone who conveyed hope.” @The Church will announce details regarding funeral arrangements as they become available. It is undetermined when the vacancy in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles will be filled.~@~8:40pm, Tuesday, 9/22/15 Woah, bps, am I ever surprised! 3 apostles bite the dust! Lucky, dogs! They are all done. I listened to RGS 4 times today as he compared Rock Climbing to living the gospel. Solo climbing was like no help from any one or anything and most likely to end in tragedy as continued. Companionship climbing is like having the anchors and ropes of Jesus Christ and gravity is like justice. I listened so many times because I wanted to feel the truth of the analogy. His voice was so steady, expressive and filled with confidence and love. Personally I figured he had been a professional psychiatrist or counselor because he was so sensitive. Nothing could have been further from the truth. A NUCLEAR engineer! Both he and RMN missed their wives so much after they passed away, I get that aspect of their personalities mixed up. She died 10 years ago. Elder Richard G. Scott on his mission, in the Uruguay Montevideo Mission, from 1950 to 1953[age 22-25] He was born in '28 that means in '48 he was 20, '68 he was 40 and a mission president. In '88 he was 60 and called as an apostle. He served the 11 years before that as a Seventy. I wonder if he went back to his profession from'69-'77? Additional excerpts: Although his parents taught him correct principles and values, Elder Scott did not attend church regularly as a child. “While there were no influences in the home which were adverse to Church membership or growth,” he said, “it just wasn’t a high priority until later in life when both mother and dad became very active.” As Richard grew, so did his curiosity, and he began to have strong feelings that something was seriously lacking in his life. Despite all he had learned about the physical workings of the world around him, he knew there had to be more. He found that “something more” as a teenager on a Forest Service job in Idaho cutting down diseased trees in the Caribou National Forest. There he met a group of young men who were members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and rediscovered his family’s faith. Local priesthood leaders made arrangements for Elder Scott to be ordained a priest, and later that year he toured the newly completed Idaho Falls Temple, where he had a profound religious experience. “I think one of the very strongest spiritual experiences I had at that time in my life was when I went through the temple. I remember very, very clearly feeling a special spirit within that temple.” @Elder Scott continued his personal religious studies while he completed his education, graduating from George Washington University with a degree in mechanical engineering. It was there he met Jeanene Watkins, a modern dance major who Elder Scott said “captivated me since the first moment I met her.” He had plans for marriage and a career, but Jeanene encouraged him to serve a mission for the Church. “That decision thoroughly changed my life and laid the foundation ... for a marvelous experience in life together.” [I am so proud of her. Look how she blessed all humanity because of her steadiness!]vj @Elder Scott’s mission to Uruguay became the next course in his studies of the workings of the Spirit. “When I went into the mission field,” he said, “I thought I had a testimony; but I soon found that it was a very thinly woven skeleton.” His testimony increased when he asked the Lord to “help me be an instrument to help other people. When I would pray for others and the things they needed in their lives, then I would feel impressions to make changes or additions in my own life. It’s easier, I think, for one to be inspired or know what to do for another than for himself or herself — and with that inspiration always comes feedback for your own growth.” @Though he had been told that going on a mission would be detrimental to his career, after his mission Elder Scott was hired from a large field of candidates by Admiral Hyman G. Rickover to work on the design of the nuclear reactor for the Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine. @Even though Elder Scott’s job often took him away from home, his bond with his wife and children remained strong through nightly phone calls. [I find this part particularly sweet. I called Kathyx upon my safe arrival at all of my summer workshops. I was so in love with her and my family.] The Scotts relied on this bond to draw closer to each other and their Heavenly Father when they experienced the deaths of two children, a daughter just before birth and a two-year-old son in heart surgery six weeks later. But Elder Scott said some of his sweetest family memories were from the adoption of four additional children as a result of that hardship. [Woah, they adopted 4 additional children! How awesome. Can't get them one way then we will get them some way else! No one ever talks about adoption in general conference. I wonder if it is because it applies to so few of us?]vj “The truth is,” Elder Scott said, “that when people make sacrifices to raise children, when they work together to build a home, the enduring joy is so much more profound and beautiful than any of the temporary things for which people give family up for.” @Elder D. Todd Christofferson, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles who served as a young missionary under Richard G. Scott, said, “I can't imagine anyone treating his wife better than Elder Scott treated Jeanene. It was, for me, and is, still, an ideal. I think his love for her is legendary — and hers the same, during their lifetime. He was always willing to sacrifice for her happiness, and it was clear to me that his happiness was found in her happiness.” @Elder Scott was sustained a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles on October 1, 1988. As an apostle, he helped govern a worldwide Church of more than 15 million members whose organization is a restoration of Christ's ancient church. Shortly after his call, Elder Scott, the soft-spoken scientist, humbly spoke to members of the Church about his new lifelong responsibility: “It is understandable that when one has received a call and been conveyed a trust that will completely change his life forever, feelings would be sensitive and emotions very near the surface. As I have struggled to begin to understand this sacred assignment and all that it implies, I have spent much time pouring out the feelings of my heart to our beloved Father in Heaven. I have pled that He would guide me and strengthen me that I may serve Him and His Beloved Son as well as I am able.” @Elder Scott spent his life in the pursuit of truth. He had the mind of a scientist but the soul of an apostle of God. He bore testimony that while scientific truths are relative, God’s truths are absolute and will ultimately bring joy to those who follow them. “I think [with] a life centered in truth, with values that are held and kept, and a recognition that we are not all alone, we can receive guidance from the Lord through the Holy Ghost. That is the core of happiness.” @Elder Richard G. Scott never settled for just seeing the electric light cast from a lamp, hearing the roar of a car engine or feeling the smooth, gentle curve of a decorative vase; he wanted to know how each was created and the workings of all its bits and parts. Even as a child he operated power tools and, with encouragement from his parents, learned to take things apart, see how they worked, make repairs and build them all over again. Elder Scott recalled, “I remember once we put in an exhaust manifold on our car and put in a whistle from the caboose of a freight train, so every now and then you could get a very nice shrill whistle out of it.” @One of Elder Richard G. Scott's hobbies was painting. He wrote: "Creativity can engender a spirit of gratitude for life and for what the Lord has woven into your being. Creativity gives a renewal, a spark of enthusiasm, a zest for life that we all need." [He was left handed in his painting picture. Brandon, I so love and believe that last sentence. Creativity! HughN never used to give the same lesson or lecture twice. He always created new. I wasn't quite like that but Mrs. Jen Walker the math teacher on my team heard what my science lesson was in one class and when she brought it up in the next class she found it wasn't the same as what we had learned in the next one. I found It boring to repeat and so I often made check lists and covered what I wanted on that day and filled in the rest of the checks on subsequent days. Some of my fellow teachers thought I was unusual and there is no doubt about that! :) So why do I talk about it with you? Because you need that spark of creativity. Just writing what you are thinking and questions that come to mind while you are reading, in those books that will always be yours is a way of expressing yourself and being creative. When I think about painting pictures like RGS or carving birds like BKP I just shy


away! But writing words and performing in front of an audience with music or words, and writing limericks and other word poems, those are areas where I enjoy creating! How about you? That's the big question, how about you?] [Can you relate to the part of his life where he lived in Idaho with his parents but they were not active in the church? What a miracle he was able to serve a mission! That was late!][On his marriage picture it says:Kenneth was on the personal staff of Agriculture Secretary Ezra Taft Benson . V-small world! Can you imagine? His dad was on Benson's personal staff! Yay, his mom and dad got to associate with ETB! No wonder they became active!] [Jeanene's dad, Arthur Watson was a Senator from Utah. Small world! Washington DC] Brandon, I believe he was the shortest of all the current apostles. But not any more. I think Bednar has that distinction now. Lol @ As I said, I was always touched with his slow, powerful, feeling way of speaking. HBE speaks with deep feeling and tons of humbel personal application. As you know I love Mark Clayton my therapist. Some of that love extended to RGS because they sounded so much alike. Well, he sure was a marvelous gift to us. I sure wasn't expecting anyone else to pass away. v- I can just imagine a meeting in the temple with the 15 apostles minus 3. OK brethren General Conference is in two weeks. Do you think we can have a 3rd apostle ready to be sustained? You know all those names we brought up before but passed on? Do you remember how it was so hard to pick between those 3 men? Well, now we have a spot for all three! But let's fast and pray and see if there isn't someone else the Lord has in mind.-v (was I being creative? Did it bring anything to your mind? Tell HF! You are not alone. I know it gets boring not hearing much in return, but at least you are hearing from me!) So, I am not sure if I should send you the talk by RGS that I listened to 4 times today. Well, in honor of he death today I guess I will: ~~@~ ~Our Father in Heaven wants each of us to enjoy peace and happiness in mortal life. Our Master, Jesus Christ, and His prophets have taught how to have that peace and happiness, even in a world that is ever more challenging, with increasing conflict and an intense concentration of alluring temptations. @I will illustrate the wrong way to find peace and happiness, and then the proper way, by using an analogy to rock climbing. There are those who attempt to scale a difficult rock cliff by a method called “soloing.” They ascend alone, without equipment, companions, or any secure protection. They depend on their own skill and capacity. They do it for the thrill of living on the edge with high risk. It is done despite the probability that in time they will fall and be seriously injured or lose their life. They are like many who face the challenges and temptations of life without the security of following the commandments of God, guided by the Holy Spirit. In today’s difficult world they will almost surely violate critical laws, with painful, destructive consequences. Do not “solo” in life. You will almost certainly fall into transgression. @There is a safer way to rock climb. When a pair of climbers tackle a difficult ascent, the leader scales a wall, placing anchors a few feet apart. His or her rope is linked to the anchor by a carabiner. Safety is assured by a companion, called the second, stationed in a very solid position. The lead is protected as the second belays, that is, carefully controls how the rope is payed out. In this way the lead is assured protection while ascending. Should there be an inadvertent misstep, the anchor will safely limit the fall. The second not only secures the lead but gives encouragement with comments and signals as they communicate back and forth. Their goal is a safe, exhilarating experience by overcoming a significant challenge. They employ techniques and equipment that are tried and proven. The essential equipment includes a secure harness, a reliable rope, a variety of anchors to be fixed to the rock face, a chalk bag to improve grip, and proper boots or special shoes that a leader can use to grip the surface of the steep wall. @The companionship has studied the rules and techniques of rock climbing. They have received instruction from experienced climbers and have practiced to become comfortable with the proper moves and the use of equipment. They have planned a route and determined how they will work together. When the leader scales far enough and finds a convenient place that is very safe, he or she belays while taking up the rope as the second follows the “pitch” or length of rope that has been extended. When the leader is reached, the process is then repeated. One belays while the other climbs, inserting anchors every few feet as protection should there be an inadvertent fall. While technical rock climbing appears to be risky and dangerous, these precautions assure an exhilarating experience, safely accomplished by following correct principles. @In real life, the anchors are the laws of God that provide protection under all of the challenges that you will face. The rope and carabiners that secure the rope to the anchors represent obedience to those commandments. When you learn those commandments, continue to practice them, and have a plan to avoid danger, you will have a secure means of obtaining protection against Satan’s temptations. You will develop strength of character that will fortify you against transgression. Should you make a wrong move, there need be no enduring problem because of the belaying or help that is available through your repentance. @Let the Savior be your “lead” in life. He has said, “I am … the Rock of Heaven … ; whoso cometh in at the gate and climbeth up by me shall never fall.” 1 The Redeemer will safely lead you over the most difficult obstacles of life. His laws are absolutely secure anchors of protection that dispel fear and assure success in an otherwise dangerous world. Such a life will certainly provide you peace and happiness. @True, enduring happiness, with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the greatest difficulties, will come as you center your life in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a secure ascent in the journey of life. That takes effort. While there is no guarantee of overnight results, there is the assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and happiness will be yours. @The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment. @The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. Your progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth


experience you encounter, whether you welcome the experience or not. Trust in the Lord. Ask to be led by the Spirit to know His will. Be willing to accept it. You will then qualify for the greatest happiness and the heights of attainment from this mortal experience. @Peace and happiness are the precious fruits of a righteous life. They are only possible because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I will explain. @Each of us makes mistakes in life. They result in broken eternal laws. Justice is that part of Father in Heaven’s plan of happiness that maintains order. It is like gravity to a rock climber, ever present. It is a friend if eternal laws are observed. It responds to your detriment if they are ignored. Justice guarantees that you will receive the blessings you earn for obeying the laws of God. Justice also requires that every broken law be satisfied. When you obey the laws of God, you are blessed, but there is no additional credit earned that can be saved to satisfy the laws that you break. If not resolved, broken laws can cause your life to be miserable and would keep you from returning to God. Only the life, teachings, and particularly the Atonement of Jesus Christ can release you from this otherwise impossible predicament. @The demands of justice for broken law can be satisfied through mercy, earned by your continual repentance and obedience to the laws of God. Such repentance and obedience are absolutely essential for the Atonement to work its complete miracle in your life. The Redeemer can settle your individual account with justice and grant forgiveness through the merciful path of your repentance. Through the Atonement you can live in a world where justice assures that you will retain what you earn by obedience. Through His mercy you can resolve the consequences of broken laws. @The Atonement was a selfless act of infinite, eternal consequence, arduously earned alone, by the Son of God. 2 Through it the Savior broke the bonds of death. It justifies our finally being judged by the Redeemer. It can prevent an eternity under the dominion of Satan. It opens the gates to exaltation for all who qualify for forgiveness through repentance and obedience. @Pondering the grandeur of the Atonement evokes the most profound feelings of awe, immense gratitude, and deep humility. Those impressions can provide you powerful motivation to keep His commandments and consistently repent of errors for greater peace and happiness. @I believe that no matter how diligently you try, you cannot with your human mind fully comprehend the eternal significance of the Atonement nor fully understand how it was accomplished. We can only appreciate in the smallest measure what it cost the Savior in pain, anguish, and suffering or how difficult it


was for our Father in Heaven to see His Son experience the incomparable challenge of His Atonement. Even so, you should conscientiously study the Atonement to understand it as well as you can. You can learn what is needful to live His commandments, to enjoy peace and happiness in mortal life. You can qualify, with obedient family members, to live with Him and your Father in Heaven forever. @Lehi taught his son Jacob, “No flesh … can dwell in the presence of God, save it be through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah.” @Jesus Christ possessed merits that no other being could possibly have. He was a God, Jehovah, before His birth in Bethlehem. His beloved Father not only gave Him His spirit body, but Jesus was His Only Begotten Son in the flesh. Our Master lived a perfect, sinless life and therefore was free from the demands of justice. He is perfect in every attribute, including love, compassion, patience, obedience, forgiveness, and humility. His mercy pays our debt to justice when we repent and obey Him. Since with even our best efforts to obey His teachings we will still fall short, because of His grace we will be “saved, after all we can do.” @I testify that with unimaginable suffering and agony at an incalculable price, the Savior earned His right to be our Redeemer, our Intermediary, our Final Judge. I know that He lives and that He loves you. Consistently make Him your “lead” in life. The secure anchors of His laws will assure safety and success as you scale the challenges you will face. You will not fall into serious transgression. Yours will be a life of peace and happiness crowned with exaltation in the celestial kingdom. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. ~~@ ~~ 10:10pm I believe I added/ copied enough stuff to this post card that I didn't take me half as long as usual. Apostles are so special to me Brandon. I have felt blessed to be able to compile this for you tonight. I added a number of things that I thought were interesting. Chances are that if you can remember half of this stuff you will know more than you mom or any other member of your family about Elder Richard G Scott. Gby-bltpjs-vj or using my FHC alias: Vincenzo Papalardo !
VERSE 1
How much is that hound dog in the window
I hope that flea bag's for sale
How much is that hound dog in th window
The one with long waggly tail

VERSE 2
I'll give you two bits for that hound dog
Th one with th sad achin' heart
That looks so much like my girl friend
I can hardly tell them apart

VERSE 3
I don't want a monkey or baboon
Don't want an ole muley cow
Don't want a measley ole cat fish
For cat fish can never meow

VERSE 4
How much is that hound dog in th window
The one with th baseball nose on his face
You know what a baseball means sir,

It dribbles all over th place

Sunday, September 13, 2015

next



Happy Birthday to Jackson quite small,
But compared to next brother you're tall,
Mommy, Daddy are awesome,
Your siblings grins toothsome,
May your allergies disappear before all!

@Jackson Dahlquist turning 2yo.

September 13 at 8:23pm ·

I have a SON named Michael,
whose name I have loved and found delightful,
Adam was grand
and before the last stand,
All will know him to be the first Michael.
'92 was the year Michael was born,
A miracle! Impossible! I warned.
Sept 14 it came true
A son, a likeness of you,
A companion, a hiker, manly form!
2015 is now the current year,
I wish you the best of good Cheer!
Salaried at Centerville Walmart,
Saturdays they all try to shop smart,
Worn out, tired and exhausted, give him a beer!
I just copied this from Dr Suess
I love you.
Dad [I finally heard back: "I thought your poem was funny" Wednesday, He is over the CONSUMABLES department!]


Thursday, September 3, 2015

Dear Rex


How to get your message across respectfully


We have all done it. Lost our cool in the heat of the moment and said something that we later regretted. The tool to overcome this is I-messages. It gets the message across about how you feel and what behaviour made you feel that way. All this without sounding like you are blaming them. I-messages are a simple way to communicate in any situation. But do not confuse simple with easy. It takes skill and practice.

I-messages


I-messages provide feedback safely, as they avoid putdowns, judgement or assigning blame. There are three types of information when providing effective feedback to someone about their behaviour. These are:
  1. describing the behaviour,
  2. the feeling the behaviour creates and
  3. the effect that the behaviour has.

A description of the behaviour is necessary to inform the person what the problem is. This should always be included in the message otherwise they will not know what behaviour to change. Including either of the other two types (how it makes you feel and what the effect is) will normally be sufficient to communicate the problem effectively. 

An I-message states the behaviour and describes the speaker’s feelings (numbers 1 and 2 above). The speaker owns their feelings without coming across as judging the person. It promotes a willingness to exchange information, find a solution and to seek a constructive change in the situation. Rarely does this make matters worse. 

I-messages are delivered by saying: ‘I feel … (name the feeling) when … (describe the behaviour)’. For example, you might say, ‘I feel angry when I am expecting a ride home and am forgotten.’ 

Some other examples of I-messages are:
  • I feel angry when people call me names.
  • I feel hurt when no one asks what I want to do.
  • I feel suspicious when someone tells me one thing, then I find out they are doing another.

Download this information about I-messages. (This document is released under a creative commons licence. See document for details.)

You-messages


In You-messages, the message contains either you or you’re in it. For example, ‘You make me so angry because you forgot to give me a ride home.’ Using You-messages blames the person for the situation and judges them. It can also hold others responsible for the feelings of the speaker as well as include putdowns. It causes feelings in the receiver that can make them defensive or start making excuses. All of this can make the situation worse.

The examples of the I-messages above have been turned into You-message to show this:
  • I feel angry when you call me names.
  • I feel hurt when you don’t ask what I want to do.
  • I get suspicious when you’re telling me one thing then I find out you’re doing another.

I-messages and You-messages


An effective I-message does not contain a ‘you’ reference in it. It is common for those new to I-messages to use the form, I feel …(feeling) when you … (behaviour) such as ‘I feel upset when you ignore me.’ It could be classed as both an I-message and a You-message. However, the ‘you’ in the statement still blames the other person, making them less likely to cooperate. Therefore, the I feel … when you … message needs to be treated as a You-message and avoided. Everything said before the ‘you’ is generally ignored by the person receiving the message.

As soon as they hear the ‘you’, most people immediately concentrate on the personal attack that follows. It is similar to using ‘but’ in an argument. This is generally interpreted to mean that you may now disregard everything I have said prior to the ‘but’. For example, ‘I agree with you, but …’ is normally followed by listing all the reasons why you do not agree with them. 

Always avoid using the ‘you’ word when giving constructive feedback as it will be heard as a personal attack. Instead replace it with a generic term, like ‘people’, ‘someone’ or ‘anybody’. By using a generic term with an I-message, others are more likely to listen to your entire message and willingly change their behaviour. 

You will normally feel the same no matter who is using that specific behaviour. So you do not have to single them out. When you don’t accuse directly, it enables them to save face and their reaction to you is more open-minded and receptive. It provides an opportunity to start a conversation and work towards a solution.

It is worth noting that I-messages can be used negatively in order to try and manipulate someone. For example, ‘I feel worthless when we are not together’, or ‘I feel angry when people go off and talk to somebody else without me.’ This use is calculated to manipulate the other person into behaving in the manner the user wants. Like any tool it can be used for good and bad.

Alternative ways of delivering an I-message


The simplified version, I feel … when … is the best starting point when teaching or learning to use I-messages. It is less complex and gets the most important information out first - the behaviour and the feeling about the behaviour. 

A danger in using a template such as this is that it can become predictable or sound false and manufactured. This comes down to what the actual content is and how the message is delivered. To offset this there are a number of additional options.

Below are 20 additional variations to consider. They use the three types of information feelings, behaviour and effect in various combinations.

The basic I-message includes the feeling and the behaviour.

I feel… (feeling) when… (behaviour)

  • I feel worried when it’s well after home time and there is no phone call or message.
  • I feel angry when I get told off for things when others don’t.

Possible other words to replace feel are: get and become 

  • I get concerned when I hear stories about the dangerous pranks that are played on people.
  • I become frustrated and annoyed when people say they will do something for me and then they don’t.

Or you can reverse the order:

When… (behaviour) I feel… (feeling)

  • When people talk about me as if I am not even there, I feel powerless and useless.
  • When I am picked on by others, I feel this rage in my gut and just want to rip something to pieces.

Possible other words to replace when are: because, as, whenever, after, and due to.

  • I feel hurt because no one asked me what I thought.
  • I feel frightened because of all the yelling and pushing.
  • I feel disappointed because this mess has not been cleaned up.
  • I feel humiliated as shouting at me in front of others shows a lack of respect.
  • I feel offended whenever someone uses racist language.
  • I feel suspicious after finding out that people have not told me everything.
  • I feel anxious due to the risks involved in riding a motorbike in the city.

The basic behaviour and effect messages

I want… (behaviour) because… (effect)

  • I want everyone to stay away from the edge because they could fall and get seriously hurt.
  • I want everybody to be on time because we need to have this finished tomorrow.

I need… (behaviour) because… (effect)

  • I need everyone to turn up on time because we cannot serve our customers well without all our staff.

I expect… (behaviour) because… (effect)

  • I expect everyone to treat each other with basic respect because that will make it enjoyable for everyone.

It was my understanding that… (behaviour) because… (effect)

  • It was my understanding that everyone agreed not to use putdowns because it can make people feel angry or hurt.

The complex behaviour and effect message

I think… (behaviour + judgement) because… (effect)

  • I think telling stories that are not true about someone is unfair because others will believe the stories and not like the person for the wrong reasons.

The complex feeling, behaviour and effect messages

I would… (feeling) it if … (behaviour) because…(effect)

  • I would appreciate it if everyone would ring when they are late because then I can plan to have enough staff stay back and cover till they arrive.

I would… (feeling) it very much (or variation) if… (behaviour) because… (effect)

  • I would like it much better if only one person at a time spoke because then we can all get to hear what each other has to say.

(behaviour and effect)… and then I feel … (feeling)

  • Leaving the sports gear outside all the time means it gets ruined and then I feel angry about having to spend money to replace it.

The final option is to use a feeling and effect message. 

Just be aware that, when using this type of message, the actual behaviour that is causing the problem is not included in the message. Only its effect is, so you might need a follow-up message to outline the behaviour to change.

I feel… (feeling) because… (effect)

  • I feel hurt because I didn’t get to make a choice.
  • I feel frightened because the situation is dangerous.

Possible other words to replace because are: as and due to

  • I feel sad as it hurt my feelings.
  • I feel horrified due to the animals being left to go hungry.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello Rex, completed: 5:31pm, 9/3/15vj

Jim admires you to no end. He is a good man to have as a friend and admirer, in my opinion.

I have admired your vocabulary and your smooth calm delivery. I don't know if you ever practiced voice lessons, but your delivery is like your ballroom dancing, exquisite, from what I have heard.

I like how you take the gospel and scripture study seriously and I appreciate how open you have been at times about your frustrations with your wife and your efforts to return back to the church and your frustrations with your son for whose gospel writings you wouldn't give a dime. : )

I have listened to you closely and complimented your delivery behind your back.

Last Thursday I avoided conflict or confrontation with you. The Thursday before I felt attacked and denigrated by what you were saying to me and left the room. I have done 5 years of psychotherapy and one thing I have learned is I do not have to stay and accept abuse. I can protect myself and leave.

There have been times I am sure when you have been frustrated with me. I taught Jr. High Science for my profession and love the classroom environment. I have offered to tone it down to both of our teachers. They have denied any need. One said, in writing, I love your enthusiasm, we need it in our class. Never the less I have told them if I ever seem over the top to just mention it to me and I will tone down.

Last December when you told off Janice in the parking lot about she being just like your sister, always having to have the last word, I wrote you a letter asking you to apologize. You disappeared for 6 months. It remained undelivered. I now feel a need to protect Janice at your expense.

I wondered if you would disappear again after 2 weeks ago when I had to leave the class.

Two sisters returned that night as we ate cheese sandwiches and they apologized and encouraged me and others not to take it personal. Deja vu, they said. They almost stopped attending last year when the contention got too intense.

There was a guy who came one week who put down women and vented about 4 or 5 times before he was asked to leave because of the contention. He left disgusted but peacefully.

I celebrated your return to class. When Janice asked me last Fall what it was that you wanted I responded, his calling and election made sure. She said, I can't give that to him.

One of the students asked Brett Wilson to stay after last week and help Janice understand what he had to do to try to limit the contention when he taught this class last year. We were there for about 20 minutes listening to what he and others had to suggest going from classroom seating arrangements to classroom rules posted.

The church is a hospital says DFUchdorft, and not a show room. We are all ill, damaged, wounded, hurt, tested/ challenged and trying to learn/ heal. Obviously, me included, otherwise why would I have done therapy, or come to class?

Jim confesses that you have seen the shadier side of life. You have worked with people who most of us couldn't even imagine the difficulties they have survived.

Would you believe we have recovering drug addicts, sex addicts, anger addicts, atheists and current sinners in our room? We are all broken. We are all recovering. WE all want and need spiritual strength. We have all been tested beyond our strength. WE are all desperately needing Christ's intervention. Sometimes we feel safe enough to share some of our weaknesses and issues. That safe place is the one we want to have in that room.

Contention destroys safety. Conflict is inevitable but resolving it by contending doesn't work there.

Did you go home and study physical death and spiritual death and return with some possibilities as Janice suggested and as she did? Jim assured everyone that you do go home and study at length to resolve spiritual issues for yourself. I know that you value the scriptures and the words of the prophet and current apostles. Many others can lead us astray but you and I both believe those two sources are credible, trustworthy.

That personal studying shows a commitment to truth. And it can bless the whole class as one shares their arrival at a personal security and belief.

I, my personality, approach, attitude, might drive you crazy. I apologize. That is not my intent. I have hit bottom before. I have lost my faith and trust. During my family's most vulnerable years my faith and hope and trust were dashed.('90's)

I am a yellow personality. Not red, not blue, not white although I have a strong blue streak as well. Yellow personalities like fun and humor and smiles and laughter. I might seem light minded at times and my patriarchal blessing warns me about that. In the middle of conflict I often switch to a calm, imperturbable persona. My wonderful therapist understood that it was a shelter against chaos and slaughter. You have that calm, that smoothness that seemingly imperturbability. I suspect it has come from long difficult effort as has mine. Hang in there Rex. You may not be able to shake my hand, but know that it is almost always extended. You may not be able to accept an abrazzo, but I admire you and wish for your progress and peace and happiness from the bottom of my heart. You may not feel comfortable staying after, and sharing cheesecake or ham sandwiches or cheese buns, or maybe not even share in the salted peanuts or popcorn or chips or candy that we pass around during class. But please know we want your best interests. WE believe and know you are a son or daughter of God as are all we. We believe you are a spiritual being traveling through this world of travail and sorrow with us. We believe you deserve the Savior's love and care and help as do all of us in this class. We trust you do not feel worthy of it. Neither do most of us and the times when we do are in the minority and have been for most of our lives. May you do your best and your kindest and be your most accepting, and may you joy and thrill and smile and laugh in our progress as we do in yours.

I know I switched from I to we. From first person to second person. But I am sure our classmates and teachers are right here with me. We may not show it in ways you recognize but we love you and care for you. Your absences worry us. We want you on our Savior's bandwagon with us as we jumble through the town. The manual and Book of Mormon are our cart and horses. They are inspired. We love their teachings. WE are grasping them with one hand (the iron rod) and reaching out for all who want to try it, with the other.

OK next, I messages.

As you can probably surmise, I felt hurt by what I felt were attacks when you said “BE quiet, YOU know less than you think you do.”

I was overwhelmed by those words. I left the room. As I was leaving Janice said, Let's not throw knives. And that was a phrase repeated after class in the discussion last week.

I have practiced leaving when attacked. I have practiced leaving when I have started feeling tense. After getting a drink I sat outside the door closest to you so I could hear how things were going. Hailey presented for her group and then I returned. When I felt less defensive I returned and sat in my chair facing the class. Jim presented for your group and then Karye presented for her and Randall. I did not pray at the end of class. I did not pray last week either.

Three of us sat at the side and just listened for the 15-20 minutes after class last week as “how to avoid contention in class was discussed”. I sat and spoke not. Four stood in a circle around the front table and discussed. Jim confessed he had never seen you lose it like you had the week before. Brett confessed that he has noticed your tension go up when you have had difficult problems in your life. Sounnds just like me Rex. Tension in my life? No way. Or of course. Duh. That is a given. A life without tension would be a life without tests. Can you imagine how I must feel as I write you this letter? Tense?yep.

I read first and second Nephi backwards last week. Second then 1st. My goodness, talk about a different feel! So weird!

I get shaky hands whenever I feel extremely stressed, extreme tension. They were always shaky as a child. I survived in a tryranical world of child abuse and beatings and sexual abuse. I figured my shaking hands were just normal for me. My hands were also the most wrinkled of anyone's hands I ever saw. In Nephi those under stress often shake and tremble. Hey, maybe that is what I am experiencing as well.

But to some degree we face our challenges the best we can. I often write, to process my challenges. I often pray aloud on my recliner or bed when I want to relive and ponder a situation or happening. I felt tremendously rewarded when I began to believe HF had time for me, personally. Before that I hid and didn't want to take his time. I was unworthy. Duh, which of us isn't!

I have journaled since before my missionary days. HF knows my life and my cares and my weaknesses and my fears, my sins and my inadaquacies. I apologize regularly. I have no problem with apologizing. I know I am pretty rough on the outside and although I am 60 yo my rough edges have not been removed. I also love to include people and make them feel welcome. I hope you have felt that inclusion and welcomeness.

Onward and upward. God bless you Rex. It would work better for me if in your frustration you used I messages instead of you messages. Thank you.

Love, Vern

23 For behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you that the Lord God worketh not in darkness. @ 24 He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation. @ 25 Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price.

26 Behold, hath he commanded any that they should depart out of the synagogues, or out of the houses of worship? Behold, I say unto you, Nay.


Edited, refined, printed: 6:00pmvj

12/19/15 I took courage! I delivered it. Rex disappeared for months. . .  The first two weeks he was back I didn't feel comfortable delivering this. The third week he sat next to me and I did.  I wrote on the outside envelope something like: This is in the hopes we can accept and share more.  He has not confirmed having read it in any way but he has continued attending regularly. He did not have any Pumkin round roll Thursday night but he did shake Stephen, Stefano's (good reading, nice voiced saint from Idaho), hand. After he left early his uniqueness came up and Stefano did not eat or take home a sing thing either. I declared he never even shakes hands and Stefano contradicted me and announced, "he shook mine!"