Dear Rex

How to get your message across respectfully

We have all done it. Lost our cool in the heat of the moment and said something that we later regretted. The tool to overcome this is I-messages. It gets the message across about how you feel and what behaviour made you feel that way. All this without sounding like you are blaming them. I-messages are a simple way to communicate in any situation. But do not confuse simple with easy. It takes skill and practice.

I-messages

I-messages provide feedback safely, as they avoid putdowns, judgement or assigning blame. There are three types of information when providing effective feedback to someone about their behaviour. These are:

1. describing the behaviour,
2. the feeling the behaviour creates and
3. the effect that the behaviour has.

A description of the behaviour is necessary to inform the person what the problem is. This should always be included in the message otherwise they will not know what behaviour to change. Including either of the other two types (how it makes you feel and what the effect is) will normally be sufficient to communicate the problem effectively. 

An I-message states the behaviour and describes the speaker’s feelings (numbers 1 and 2 above). The speaker owns their feelings without coming across as judging the person. It promotes a willingness to exchange information, find a solution and to seek a constructive change in the situation. Rarely does this make matters worse. 

I-messages are delivered by saying: ‘I feel … (name the feeling) when … (describe the behaviour)’. For example, you might say, ‘I feel angry when I am expecting a ride home and am forgotten.’ 

Some other examples of I-messages are:

• I feel angry when people call me names.
• I feel hurt when no one asks what I want to do.
• I feel suspicious when someone tells me one thing, then I find out they are doing another.

Download this information about I-messages. (This document is released under a creative commons licence. See document for details.)

You-messages

In You-messages, the message contains either you or you’re in it. For example, ‘You make me so angry because you forgot to give me a ride home.’ Using You-messages blames the person for the situation and judges them. It can also hold others responsible for the feelings of the speaker as well as include putdowns. It causes feelings in the receiver that can make them defensive or start making excuses. All of this can make the situation worse.

The examples of the I-messages above have been turned into You-message to show this:

• I feel angry when you call me names.
• I feel hurt when you don’t ask what I want to do.
• I get suspicious when you’re telling me one thing then I find out you’re doing another.

I-messages and You-messages

An effective I-message does not contain a ‘you’ reference in it. It is common for those new to I-messages to use the form, I feel …(feeling) when you … (behaviour) such as ‘I feel upset when you ignore me.’ It could be classed as both an I-message and a You-message. However, the ‘you’ in the statement still blames the other person, making them less likely to cooperate. Therefore, the I feel … when you … message needs to be treated as a You-message and avoided. Everything said before the ‘you’ is generally ignored by the person receiving the message.

As soon as they hear the ‘you’, most people immediately concentrate on the personal attack that follows. It is similar to using ‘but’ in an argument. This is generally interpreted to mean that you may now disregard everything I have said prior to the ‘but’. For example, ‘I agree with you, but …’ is normally followed by listing all the reasons why you do not agree with them. 

Always avoid using the ‘you’ word when giving constructive feedback as it will be heard as a personal attack. Instead replace it with a generic term, like ‘people’, ‘someone’ or ‘anybody’. By using a generic term with an I-message, others are more likely to listen to your entire message and willingly change their behaviour. 

You will normally feel the same no matter who is using that specific behaviour. So you do not have to single them out. When you don’t accuse directly, it enables them to save face and their reaction to you is more open-minded and receptive. It provides an opportunity to start a conversation and work towards a solution.

It is worth noting that I-messages can be used negatively in order to try and manipulate someone. For example, ‘I feel worthless when we are not together’, or ‘I feel angry when people go off and talk to somebody else without me.’ This use is calculated to manipulate the other person into behaving in the manner the user wants. Like any tool it can be used for good and bad.

Alternative ways of delivering an I-message

The simplified version, I feel … when … is the best starting point when teaching or learning to use I-messages. It is less complex and gets the most important information out first - the behaviour and the feeling about the behaviour. 

A danger in using a template such as this is that it can become predictable or sound false and manufactured. This comes down to what the actual content is and how the message is delivered. To offset this there are a number of additional options.

Below are 20 additional variations to consider. They use the three types of information feelings, behaviour and effect in various combinations.

The basic I-message includes the feeling and the behaviour.

I feel… (feeling) when… (behaviour)

• I feel worried when it’s well after home time and there is no phone call or message.
• I feel angry when I get told off for things when others don’t.

Possible other words to replace feel are: get and become 

• I get concerned when I hear stories about the dangerous pranks that are played on people.
• I become frustrated and annoyed when people say they will do something for me and then they don’t.

Or you can reverse the order:

When… (behaviour) I feel… (feeling)

• When people talk about me as if I am not even there, I feel powerless and useless.
• When I am picked on by others, I feel this rage in my gut and just want to rip something to pieces.

Possible other words to replace when are: because, as, whenever, after, and due to.

• I feel hurt because no one asked me what I thought.
• I feel frightened because of all the yelling and pushing.
• I feel disappointed because this mess has not been cleaned up.
• I feel humiliated as shouting at me in front of others shows a lack of respect.
• I feel offended whenever someone uses racist language.
• I feel suspicious after finding out that people have not told me everything.
• I feel anxious due to the risks involved in riding a motorbike in the city.

The basic behaviour and effect messages

I want… (behaviour) because… (effect)

• I want everyone to stay away from the edge because they could fall and get seriously hurt.
• I want everybody to be on time because we need to have this finished tomorrow.

I need… (behaviour) because… (effect)

• I need everyone to turn up on time because we cannot serve our customers well without all our staff.

I expect… (behaviour) because… (effect)

• I expect everyone to treat each other with basic respect because that will make it enjoyable for everyone.

It was my understanding that… (behaviour) because… (effect)

• It was my understanding that everyone agreed not to use putdowns because it can make people feel angry or hurt.

The complex behaviour and effect message

I think… (behaviour + judgement) because… (effect)

• I think telling stories that are not true about someone is unfair because others will believe the stories and not like the person for the wrong reasons.

The complex feeling, behaviour and effect messages

I would… (feeling) it if … (behaviour) because…(effect)

• I would appreciate it if everyone would ring when they are late because then I can plan to have enough staff stay back and cover till they arrive.

I would… (feeling) it very much (or variation) if… (behaviour) because… (effect)

• I would like it much better if only one person at a time spoke because then we can all get to hear what each other has to say.

(behaviour and effect)… and then I feel … (feeling)

• Leaving the sports gear outside all the time means it gets ruined and then I feel angry about having to spend money to replace it.

The final option is to use a feeling and effect message. 

Just be aware that, when using this type of message, the actual behaviour that is causing the problem is not included in the message. Only its effect is, so you might need a follow-up message to outline the behaviour to change.

I feel… (feeling) because… (effect)

• I feel hurt because I didn’t get to make a choice.
• I feel frightened because the situation is dangerous.

Possible other words to replace because are: as and due to

• I feel sad as it hurt my feelings.
• I feel horrified due to the animals being left to go hungry.

http://www.encouraging-appropriate-behaviour.com/free-stuff/how-to-use-i-messages.html

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Hello Rex, completed: 5:31pm, 9/3/15vj

Jim admires you to no end. He is a good man to have as a friend and admirer, in my opinion.

I have admired your vocabulary and your smooth calm delivery. I don't know if you ever practiced voice lessons, but your delivery is like your ballroom dancing, exquisite, from what I have heard.

I like how you take the gospel and scripture study seriously and I appreciate how open you have been at times about your frustrations with your wife and your efforts to return back to the church and your frustrations with your son for whose gospel writings you wouldn't give a dime. : )

I have listened to you closely and complimented your delivery behind your back.

Last Thursday I avoided conflict or confrontation with you. The Thursday before I felt attacked and denigrated by what you were saying to me and left the room. I have done 5 years of psychotherapy and one thing I have learned is I do not have to stay and accept abuse. I can protect myself and leave.

There have been times I am sure when you have been frustrated with me. I taught Jr. High Science for my profession and love the classroom environment. I have offered to tone it down to both of our teachers. They have denied any need. One said, in writing, I love your enthusiasm, we need it in our class. Never the less I have told them if I ever seem over the top to just mention it to me and I will tone down.

Last December when you told off Janice in the parking lot about she being just like your sister, always having to have the last word, I wrote you a letter asking you to apologize. You disappeared for 6 months. It remained undelivered. I now feel a need to protect Janice at your expense.

I wondered if you would disappear again after 2 weeks ago when I had to leave the class.

Two sisters returned that night as we ate cheese sandwiches and they apologized and encouraged me and others not to take it personal. Deja vu, they said. They almost stopped attending last year when the contention got too intense.

There was a guy who came one week who put down women and vented about 4 or 5 times before he was asked to leave because of the contention. He left disgusted but peacefully.

I celebrated your return to class. When Janice asked me last Fall what it was that you wanted I responded, his calling and election made sure. She said, I can't give that to him.

One of the students asked Brett Wilson to stay after last week and help Janice understand what he had to do to try to limit the contention when he taught this class last year. We were there for about 20 minutes listening to what he and others had to suggest going from classroom seating arrangements to classroom rules posted.

The church is a hospital says DFUchdorft, and not a show room. We are all ill, damaged, wounded, hurt, tested/ challenged and trying to learn/ heal. Obviously, me included, otherwise why would I have done therapy, or come to class?

Jim confesses that you have seen the shadier side of life. You have worked with people who most of us couldn't even imagine the difficulties they have survived.

Would you believe we have recovering drug addicts, sex addicts, anger addicts, atheists and current sinners in our room? We are all broken. We are all recovering. WE all want and need spiritual strength. We have all been tested beyond our strength. WE are all desperately needing Christ's intervention. Sometimes we feel safe enough to share some of our weaknesses and issues. That safe place is the one we want to have in that room.

Contention destroys safety. Conflict is inevitable but resolving it by contending doesn't work there.

Did you go home and study physical death and spiritual death and return with some possibilities as Janice suggested and as she did? Jim assured everyone that you do go home and study at length to resolve spiritual issues for yourself. I know that you value the scriptures and the words of the prophet and current apostles. Many others can lead us astray but you and I both believe those two sources are credible, trustworthy.

That personal studying shows a commitment to truth. And it can bless the whole class as one shares their arrival at a personal security and belief.

I, my personality, approach, attitude, might drive you crazy. I apologize. That is not my intent. I have hit bottom before. I have lost my faith and trust. During my family's most vulnerable years my faith and hope and trust were dashed.('90's)

I am a yellow personality. Not red, not blue, not white although I have a strong blue streak as well. Yellow personalities like fun and humor and smiles and laughter. I might seem light minded at times and my patriarchal blessing warns me about that. In the middle of conflict I often switch to a calm, imperturbable persona. My wonderful therapist understood that it was a shelter against chaos and slaughter. You have that calm, that smoothness that seemingly imperturbability. I suspect it has come from long difficult effort as has mine. Hang in there Rex. You may not be able to shake my hand, but know that it is almost always extended. You may not be able to accept an abrazzo, but I admire you and wish for your progress and peace and happiness from the bottom of my heart. You may not feel comfortable staying after, and sharing cheesecake or ham sandwiches or cheese buns, or maybe not even share in the salted peanuts or popcorn or chips or candy that we pass around during class. But please know we want your best interests. WE believe and know you are a son or daughter of God as are all we. We believe you are a spiritual being traveling through this world of travail and sorrow with us. We believe you deserve the Savior's love and care and help as do all of us in this class. We trust you do not feel worthy of it. Neither do most of us and the times when we do are in the minority and have been for most of our lives. May you do your best and your kindest and be your most accepting, and may you joy and thrill and smile and laugh in our progress as we do in yours.

I know I switched from I to we. From first person to second person. But I am sure our classmates and teachers are right here with me. We may not show it in ways you recognize but we love you and care for you. Your absences worry us. We want you on our Savior's bandwagon with us as we jumble through the town. The manual and Book of Mormon are our cart and horses. They are inspired. We love their teachings. WE are grasping them with one hand (the iron rod) and reaching out for all who want to try it, with the other.

OK next, I messages.

As you can probably surmise, I felt hurt by what I felt were attacks when you said “BE quiet, YOU know less than you think you do.”

I was overwhelmed by those words. I left the room. As I was leaving Janice said, Let's not throw knives. And that was a phrase repeated after class in the discussion last week.

I have practiced leaving when attacked. I have practiced leaving when I have started feeling tense. After getting a drink I sat outside the door closest to you so I could hear how things were going. Hailey presented for her group and then I returned. When I felt less defensive I returned and sat in my chair facing the class. Jim presented for your group and then Karye presented for her and Randall. I did not pray at the end of class. I did not pray last week either.

Three of us sat at the side and just listened for the 15-20 minutes after class last week as “how to avoid contention in class was discussed”. I sat and spoke not. Four stood in a circle around the front table and discussed. Jim confessed he had never seen you lose it like you had the week before. Brett confessed that he has noticed your tension go up when you have had difficult problems in your life. Sounnds just like me Rex. Tension in my life? No way. Or of course. Duh. That is a given. A life without tension would be a life without tests. Can you imagine how I must feel as I write you this letter? Tense?yep.

I read first and second Nephi backwards last week. Second then 1^st. My goodness, talk about a different feel! So weird!

I get shaky hands whenever I feel extremely stressed, extreme tension. They were always shaky as a child. I survived in a tryranical world of child abuse and beatings and sexual abuse. I figured my shaking hands were just normal for me. My hands were also the most wrinkled of anyone's hands I ever saw. In Nephi those under stress often shake and tremble. Hey, maybe that is what I am experiencing as well.

But to some degree we face our challenges the best we can. I often write, to process my challenges. I often pray aloud on my recliner or bed when I want to relive and ponder a situation or happening. I felt tremendously rewarded when I began to believe HF had time for me, personally. Before that I hid and didn't want to take his time. I was unworthy. Duh, which of us isn't!

I have journaled since before my missionary days. HF knows my life and my cares and my weaknesses and my fears, my sins and my inadaquacies. I apologize regularly. I have no problem with apologizing. I know I am pretty rough on the outside and although I am 60 yo my rough edges have not been removed. I also love to include people and make them feel welcome. I hope you have felt that inclusion and welcomeness.

Onward and upward. God bless you Rex. It would work better for me if in your frustration you used I messages instead of you messages. Thank you.

Love, Vern

23 For behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you that the Lord God worketh not in darkness. @ 24 He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation. @ 25 Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price.

26 Behold, hath he commanded any that they should depart out of the synagogues, or out of the houses of worship? Behold, I say unto you, Nay.

Edited, refined, printed: 6:00pmvj

12/19/15 I took courage! I delivered it. Rex disappeared for months. . .  The first two weeks he was back I didn't feel comfortable delivering this. The third week he sat next to me and I did.  I wrote on the outside envelope something like: This is in the hopes we can accept and share more.  He has not confirmed having read it in any way but he has continued attending regularly. He did not have any Pumkin round roll Thursday night but he did shake Stephen, Stefano's (good reading, nice voiced saint from Idaho), hand. After he left early his uniqueness came up and Stefano did not eat or take home a sing thing either. I declared he never even shakes hands and Stefano contradicted me and announced, "he shook mine!"