I visited
with Brandon tonight. Sunday, 7:30, 8/26/15 He suggested I fold the
stamp over the top, because it has worked 2 times already! I will
check with the post office. Sounds like a great idea. He hates being
the recipient of charity! I asked if I should cut back on my
postcards and he said probably. It drives him crazy to see how much
time it takes me. He doesn’t want to be sacrificed for. He doesn’t
feel worthy. Well, who would? Not me. He teased me by saying it
was all for my benefit right? I asked what do you mean? It remained
unresolved. :) @ I asked if he had figured out a way to serve, do
good deeds, he said no. He had to give up all but 2 books a couple of
weeks ago. That is all they are allowed in their locker. He had been
keeping 8 in his room. He thinks he released the package of 64
crayons, including sienna. :) Daid wondered if that was an orange
color. @ He only read about 3 chapters of A Consecrated Life: Hugh
Nibley before it had to be released in the recent clean out. [9/6/15 bps clarified that he saw it at home before Jail. When KJ saw me writing in HNibley tonight she came alive. He was her SS teacher.] He
can’t go to any church meetings nor 12 step programs nor anything.
He is in a sort of maximum security area. So I have been tryng to
figure out for months ways he can advance, learn, progress, be
productive, develop skills, prepare for work in the real world while
he ticks off all these days, weeks and months and years. He has only
figured out reading so far. @ That sure doesn’t work for me and it
doesn’t for him either. It wasn’t until I found IIndexing that my
life seemed to have purpose again, besides church and writing and
leaving vmails, vernmails. He says he has never been good at math.
Maybe that is where we should start? I’m good at math and we could
fix/ update road blocks when I visited. It might be good to work in
two different books at once so that if he gets stuck in one he can
progress in the other. Or maybe just do 2 or 3 chapters at a time. I
offered to find and accounting paperback text but no thank you so
far. @ I read 80 pages of a
consecrated life today. HalD
mentioned it so I had to find his story. It is even better this
second time than the first. I took 5 book covers and my BoM manual. I
didn’t bother showing him the manual because it would oust another
of his books. Oh, but if he could only write in it! It would be
so cool to get it back and see his thinking and answers and then go
on to the OT or NT or D&C or PoGP or Church History. Some people
wouldn’t think that is fun but as a conversation peace it
would be cool and since I am already filling/ writing in all of mine. . . WE
could even update on thoughts each week.@ When he expressed concern
about who would hire him I said, there is always work to be done.
(Even Italian Indexing! ) @ Oct’05 has the tabernacle choir singing
Joseph
the Seer just
like GBH had wished in Apr’05 conference. I went looking all over
for it because if he liked it I figured I could learn it. It was in
the’48 copyright hymnbook and I found the title and page number but
not the music. This was even better. The finished version by
the Tab choir! @ GBH talk Sunday morning on forgiveness was deep but
ended with a gross story that was too extreme for me. Or maybe I just
empathize too much. @ I did not tell bps about daveM having a
successful visit with Mark Clayton this week! My therapist.@ Tuesday,
8/25/15,12:26pm. Things I want to say to Brandon after a couple of
days of ruminating. 1-You are a sweetheart. That means your are
gentle and kind. This is how I know. a)You feel chagrined that I
would take so many hours each week, writing you. b)You didn’t
present your position nor your appreciation for fear it might
encourage me and you already feel guilty about my offerings. @ You
cutie Brandon, that’s what I affectionately call my kids when all I
can feel is love for them, and you can’t go around saying you love
them all the time or they feel funny. @ Brandon, you are not yet
convinced you are worthwhile and loveable. Please let my hours of
interest and thought in your behalf be evidence of your HF’s love
for you. Here I am, a raunchy little human and I can care for you and
your situation enough to want to help aleviate the pain, and
entertain and share and even teach and stregnthen. If I, the least of
Heavenly Father’s children can feel and do this for you. . . how
much more would he, in his perfect love, wish you the same and
more!!! Enjoy it Brandon! Thank you for your feelings of unworthiness
and undeserving, but you can save those for the bad stuff. Those are
the real things you are undeserving of! You are totally understood
and accepted by Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father.
They know you from the bottom of your heart. They know me from the
bottom of my heart too. And when I feel bad and miserable about
things that are not sins but really bug me and decrease my confidence
and ability to help build the kingdom of God here on earth, then they
feel badly as well. They know I don’t deserve that. But because of
my past and my test on this planet, I have all kinds of fragile,
delicate exposures/ buttons/ triggers that leave me feeling awful.
That is not what they want! But it is what the adversary wants. He
loves it when we are stymied or inhibited. He doesn’t want us to
think we are beautiful, loved and capable. If we think we are
beautiful loved and capable we will let our light shine. “”’’”’””
ing, shine, ing!!! Those are my shining symbols for today. : ) @ Man,
after all these years of having to watch everything you say and write
. . . no wonder you are inhibited! No wonder you don’t want to
write on those stupid little post cards with those stupid
uncomfortable little pens. But Brandon, don’t let your creativity,
your ability to stand up and express be extinguished! You used to
write journal letters to your Mom telling her all about things. You
don’t do that any more. You are so discouraged you don’t
write me nor any of your other friends. Defy your imposed limits
Brandon. Find a way to thumb your nose at your adversity and create
and share and be alive and thinking. @ OK, here comes today’s
soapbox: They made me start writing on postcards this year. I still
haven’t perfected it but when I went to the post office on Monday
to mail the postcard, I had showed you on Sunday, I asked about the
stamp placement. I thought I would bowl the lady postal worker over
when I showed her your postcard. She didn’t even glance twice. She
knew what I was going to pull out before I even pulled it out
of it’s envelope. I have never even seen her before but they all
know me! They are familiar with my obscene post cards! I’ll bet
there is no one else in the world that writes them like this. There
is probably no where else in the world where it is needed! And just
like folding the stamp over the top is this month’s change, I have
had to change dozens of things to make this work. I am defying their
limits! And I am getting notorious in certain circles. @ You already
know that about me. @ HF will guide you Brandon if you keep turned
towards him. @ I encouraged you to tell him, Him all your answers to
my questions on Sunday when I saw you face to face. I talk to him all
the time Brandon. It is so nice to know he never runs out of time and
loves me to check in and share all my thoughts. It is not as good as
writing, nor as good as leaving a vmail for my relatives, kids or
siblings. But it might be the best you can do. I am now stepping down
from my soapbox. @ 2 (things I want to say after our visit,
continued) I encouraged you to memorize and refresh scriptures. I
mentioned I do the Articles of Faith everyday. Let me tell how and
why. How: when I am tired and want to check back in with
righteousness and truth I recite them, sometimes aloud, sometimes
not. I am usually in bed or drifting off in my recliner. I imagine
all the doctrines that they are connected to. Article of Faith number
1 is wonderful. I get to imagine all I know about the Father and the
Son and the Holy Ghost. It is almost like a prayer. Just imagine, the
most powerful being in the universe simply wants us to call him
father. Woah! Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, all he wants us to
call him is father. . . does he love us Brandon? even you? @Why: These
are the most concentrated, potent truths in the gospel, refined to
the fewest words possible. If I focus on those truths as my
foundation regularly I will be open to inspiration about them and I
am not going off the deep end into speculation and questioning. I
couldn’t help but use them in explaining the gospel to my cousin,
Jpaul in Fresno. I can have total confidence and faith in them. I
don’t have to wonder if I am right or wrong, over-expressive or
under. And when they are used in general conference or talks instead
of feeling “ya, ya here comes an article of faith again, why don’t
they ever say something new” I feel, oh I love these let me say it
with him, I wonder how he is going to apply this concept. I wonder if
I can learn something new about this one? @ 3 Your mom and I visited
for a while before and after visiting with you. She was more open and
sharing than ever before. She gave me the low down on
progress
on your case and a number of
other things. I asked her about reading and books
you have shared and she says that rather than write you have saved
those discussions for face to face visits. I offered to come visit
anytime there isn’t anyone else in line. I imagine this has been a
long grueling process for her too. Twice a week visits and a mother’s
love and contant care she feels for her son. I wonder what
heavenly father’s hope is from all of this. If you can survive and
be productive and stable after your release you will be a walking
miracle. And the stress and pressure on your mother and other loved
ones will be relieved. Yes, you are deeply loved Brandon. @ 4
Preparing for the work world. I told KJ that you weren’t inclined
to develop your math skills. She admitted that you couldn’t read
very well either when you were little. I commented, thank heavens you
are a skilled reader, reader for pleasure, now! Can you imagine?
Heavenly Father gives us gifts if we seek them. I wonder if that is a
gift he has given you because you wanted it and needed it? If I ever
become a regular visitor we can have piano lessons, oops I mean math
lessons and we can find a workbook we can both do together. There may
be other skills even more important in the work world but I haven’t
looked them up on the internet. @ I brought my Institute BoM study
manual along with all those book covers Sunday. I was fascinated that
someone had given you Hugh Nibley’s only authorized biography. I
read that my first year of retirement and I was so thrilled with him,
Hugh, that when my gifted nephew was in a boys home for drug use in
Wyoming I sent him a copy. When he wrote me his first letter
responding to my letter I felt terribly intimidated. He used
semicolons, underlining and quote marks appropriately! I was shocked.
I don’t. I was at loss for how I could communicate with such an
amazing brain. I kept it in my mind with worry for days until I
realized I could send him “A Consecrated Life.” Then it would be
his problem if he didn’t accept the challenge to learn to focus his
talents as Hugh did. Relief. The monkey was off my back. @ In my mind
I would love to exchange study manuals after working all the way
through one and writing all over it! That would be a wonderful way of
learning and sharing with a purpose. As you know I so want you to
find a way to progress in your confines. @
This
next part is to finish off what I could not fit last time. SWK ~@~A
new peace had overshadowed her and she was able to pray for the
offender and forgive him, even though she never received back a
single dollar. @When we forgive others, we free ourselves from hatred
and bitterness. @Why
does the Lord ask you to love your enemies and to return good for
evil? That you might have the benefit of it. It does not injure the
one you hate so much when you hate a person, especially if he is far
removed and does not come in contact with you, but the hate and the
bitterness canker your unforgiving heart. … @Perhaps
Peter had met people who continued to trespass against him, and he
asked: @“Lord,
how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? …”
@And
the Lord said:“I
say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times
seven.” (Matthew 18:21–22.) … @… When
they have repented and come on their knees to ask forgiveness, most
of us can forgive, but the Lord has required that we shall forgive
even if they do not repent nor ask forgiveness of us. … @It
must be very clear to us, then, that we must still forgive without
retaliation or vengeance, for the Lord will do for us such as is
necessary. … Bitterness injures the one who carries it; it hardens
and shrivels and cankers. @It
frequently happens that offenses are committed when the offender is
not aware of it. Something he has said or done is misconstrued or
misunderstood. The offended one treasures in his heart the offense,
adding to it such other things as might give fuel to the fire and
justify his conclusions. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why the
Lord requires that the offended one should make the overtures toward
peace. @“And
if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her
between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she confess thou
shalt be reconciled.” (D&C 42:88.) … @Do
we follow that command or do we sulk in our bitterness, waiting for
our offender to learn of it and to kneel to us in remorse? @We
may get angry with our parents, or a teacher, or the bishop, and
dwarf ourselves into nameless anonymity as we shrivel and shrink
under the venom and poison of bitterness and hatred. While the hated
one goes on about his business, little realizing the suffering of the
hater, the latter cheats himself. … @… To
terminate activity in the Church just to spite leaders or to give
vent to wounded feelings is to cheat ourselves. @In
the midst of discordant sounds of hate, bitterness and revenge
expressed so often today, the soft note of forgiveness comes as a
healing balm. Not least is its effect on the forgiver. @As
we forgive others, we are blessed with joy and peace. @Inspired
by the Lord Jesus Christ, Paul has given to us the solution to the
problems of life which require understanding and forgiveness. “And
be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another,
even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph. 4:32.) If
this spirit of kindly, tender-hearted forgiveness of one another
could be carried into every home, selfishness, distrust and
bitterness which break so many homes and families would disappear and
men would live in peace. @
Forgiveness
is the miraculous ingredient that assures harmony and love in the
home or the ward. Without it there is contention. Without
understanding and forgiveness there is dissension, followed by lack
of harmony, and this breeds disloyalty in homes, in branches and in
wards.
On
the other hand, forgiveness is harmonious with the spirit of the
gospel, with the Spirit of Christ. This is the spirit we must all
possess if we would receive forgiveness of our own sins and be
blameless before God. @Forgiveness
is a miracle. [v-
really, wow, there are lots more miracles around here than I thought
there were! ] @“Forgiveness
is the miraculous ingredient that assures harmony and love in the
home or the ward.” @Frequently,
pride gets in our way and becomes our stumbling block. But each of us
needs to ask himself the question: “Is your pride more important
than your peace?” @All
too frequently, one who has done many splendid things in life and
made an excellent contribution will let pride cause him to lose the
rich reward to which he would be entitled otherwise. We should always
wear the sackcloth and ashes of a forgiving heart and a contrite
spirit, being willing always to exercise genuine humility, as did the
publican [see Luke 18:9–14], and ask the Lord to help us to
forgive. @So
long as mortality exists we live and work with imperfect people; and
there will be misunderstandings, offenses, and injuries to sensitive
feelings. The best of motives are often misunderstood. It is
gratifying to find many who, in their bigness of soul have
straightened out their thinking, swallowed their pride, forgiven what
they had felt were personal slights. Numerous others who have walked
critical, lonely, thorny paths in abject misery, have finally
accepted correction, acknowledged errors, cleansed their hearts of
bitterness, and have come again to peace, that coveted peace which is
so conspicuous in its absence. And the frustrations of criticism,
bitterness, and the resultant estrangements have given place to
warmth and light and peace. @It
can be done. Man can conquer self. Man can overcome. Man can forgive
all who have trespassed against him and go on to receive peace in
this life and eternal life in the world to come. @If
we would sue for peace, taking the initiative in settling
differences—if we would forgive and forget with all our hearts—if
we would cleanse our own souls of sin, bitterness, and guilt before
we cast a stone or accusation at others—if we would forgive all
real or fancied offenses before we asked forgiveness for our own
sins—if we would pay our own debts, large or small, before we
pressed our debtors—if we would manage to clear our own eyes of the
blinding beams before we magnified the motes in the eyes of
others—what a glorious world this would be! @
Divorce
would be reduced to a minimum; courts would be freed from disgusting
routines; family life would be heavenly; the building of the kingdom
would go forward at an accelerated pace; and that peace which passeth
understanding [see Philippians 4:7] would bring to us all a joy and
happiness that has hardly “entered into the heart of man.” [See 1
Corinthians 2:9.] @May
the Lord bless us all that we may continually carry in our hearts the
true spirit of repentance and forgiveness until we shall have
perfected ourselves, looking toward the glories of exaltation
awaiting the most faithful. @Suggestions
for Study and Teaching @Why
is it sometimes so difficult for people to forgive one another? [bps,
you might have to look at last post card with the beginning of this
lesson on it to find answers. Now, r e m e m b e r ! who you are
supposed to tell your answers too! Use words and sentences! ] What
do the words “For there remaineth in him the greater sin” (D&C
64:9) mean to you? @•Review
Matthew 6:14–15, quoted by President Kimball on page 92. Why do you
think we must forgive others in order to receive the Lord’s
forgiveness? @•What
are some attitudes and actions that indicate our forgiveness of
another is heartfelt and complete? (See pages 92–94.) Why must
forgiveness be “a heart action”? @•Review
the section that begins on page 94. What gospel teachings can help us
be willing to leave judgment to the Lord? @•As
you read the story about the young mother on pages 96–97, look for
what prevented her, at first, from forgiving and what enabled her to
finally forgive. How can we overcome the obstacles that interfere
with our desires and efforts to forgive others? @•What
are some consequences of refusing to forgive? (See pages 97–98.)
What blessings have you experienced as you have forgiven another?
Consider how you might apply the spirit of forgiveness in your
relationships. ~@~
OK , Brandon, lesson over. To finish off this letter I will start a
memorized. W b in God the Eternal Father and in his son Jesus Christ
and in the Holy Ghost. We b that men will be punished for their own
sins and not for Adam's transgression. W b that through gby-bps
PS. Brandon have you ever cried when writing a letter? I did today. I think you will be able to tell where. You will feel the spirit very strong.vj
